A few weeks back I was asked to do a teleseminar for the students of the Stylelife Academy Elite forum. The host as well as many of the students asked me about disqualification. After the call my inbox was filled with private messages suggesting that I explain disqualification in depth on the forum.
For all those guys asking about disqualification…
Here you go! Enjoy.
DISQUALIFICATION: BUILDING ATTRACTION WITH THE POWER OF SAYING “NO!”
Just say no. Tell her she’s not your type. Tell her that she laughs funny or that she’s not tall enough for you. If you can say “no” to a woman and you will have crossed one of the toughest hurdles in attraction building – disqualification.
Disqualification is the most counterintuitive, but necessary technique for building attraction. The skillful use of disqualifiers is the difference between chasing and being chased. So pay attention, and listen up. Disqualification could make or break the conversation with your dream girl.
Disqualifiers are the foundation of flirting. They prove to the girl that you are not talking to her in order to sleep with her. They can show that you have standards, and that you are picky. Your skill with disqualifiers can demonstrate that you are intelligent, witty, and charming. For these reasons disqualification is one of the most powerful tools to have when attempting to attract women.
Disqualification is doing or saying something that makes you appear romantically and sexually unavailable.
- Disqualifiers make you the exception. People want what they can’t have and most women believe that they can have most men that approach them. By disqualifying and removing yourself from this group of men, you’ll stand out.
- Disqualifiers make her friends more comfortable. Most women travel to bars and clubs in groups. Disqualification can help you to disarm friends who are used to pushing away men who approach and begin qualifying themselves. By approaching and appearing uninterested in her you lessen the chances of them trying to shoo you away.
- Disqualifiers help build trust. Disqualification can also help a woman feel more comfortable around you because they show her that you’re not simply out for sex. If you disqualify her and wait to show interest, she’ll more likely stick around, which gives you more time to demonstrate value and continue building attraction.
The easiest way to disqualify is to make up a list of traits that you truly want and don’t want in a woman; physically, mentally, and socially. The bigger the list the more disqualifiers; think movies, music, hair color, attitude, etc. Once you have a list then you can tell girls who do not appear to have these qualities why they are not “right for you.”
For instance, let’s say blonde was your preferred hair color, but you happened to meet a brunette in a bar who seemed like a good catch then you might disqualify her by saying, “You’re so cool. If only I was into brunettes.” Similarly, let’s say you were really into hip hop and the woman you’re after loves rock. You’d say, “Rock just doesn’t do it for me. Damn, you were so close!”
Disqualification should be performed playfully. If she thinks you’re serious when you’re telling her she’s not good enough for you she’s going to think you’re crazy. Let her know that she’s not your type but do it in a way where she feels like if she pursued you a little harder she could change your mind.
Sometimes you’ll meet a girl who immediately responds to your disqualifier with a clever comment of her own. Don’t worry, this is called flirting. Simply retort with something equally clever, or if you can’t think of anything, just nod and say, “respect,” or “you’ve won this round!”
HOW TO TELL IF DISQUALIFIERS ARE WORKING
As mentioned previously, disqualifiers give the woman a chance to do the chasing, but what does it looks like when a woman chases? A sure sign that your disqualifiers are effective is when she begins to seek approval. Women often seek appraoval in the form of disagreement, followed by storytelling. For instance, if you were to use the line, “you’re not adventurous enough for me,” she might respond by immediately disagreeing, saying, “No, I’m totally adventurous,” or regaling you with tales about some adventure her and her girlfriends went on. So when you’re out in a bar and she starts arguing with you immediately after you disqualify – don’t panic! This is what you want. Stick to your guns. If you immediately change your stance on the subject after she begins her response you will look weak, and the attraction you would have built would lessen.
WHEN TO USE A DISQUALIFIER
Disqualification is used at the beginning of an interaction, between the start of an opener and up until the calibration waypoint.
- Disqualifiers are used when you have less perceived value than the woman you’re talking to. The person with the highest value in a group is generally unavailable to those people with lower perceived value. Therefore, if you disqualify you’ll end up appearing as though you have higher value. For example, if you’re trying to attract a supermodel you’re going to need to disqualify, because she’s going to have more value than you. Conversely, if you are a rock star and she’s an average college student then you would most likely not need to disqualify because your value would be higher from the beginning.
- Disqualifiers are used when a woman says something that you perceive as negative. For example, if she likes a different kind of music, you can tell her she’s not your type.
This is where most guys crash and burn by showing too much interest. It is during this early stage in the interaction that you will show yourself to be different from all the other guys, by doing what few men have ever done – you’re going to tell her that you’re not interested in her.
WHEN NOT TO USE A DISQUALIFIER
Disqualifiers should be used to help build attraction, which means they are less necessary in situations where attraction already exists.
Similarly, if you have higher value than her already, you won’t have to rely very heavily on disqualifiers. Disqualifiers look confident when your value is lower than theirs, but if you’re rich, famous, or really good looking then too many disqualifiers will come off as mean.